The Slate

Spankings and Cow Duty are among the "developmental disciplines" that will be added to the Residence Life program for the 2010-2011 calendar year. Just as Simpson University students begun to grasp the change disciplinary action from the policy of the previous year, student development has yet another change up its sleeve.

Dear recipient of this classified note, I cannot use my real name in this letter, for I fear that my life will be endangered if I do. So, I will go by D-Goose. I used to belong to the Undercover Mob of the Geese at Simpson University (The UMOTGASU for short).

A typical Spring morning in the quaint Northern Californian township of Shingletown took a turn for the bizarre last Monday when an unexpected celestial body whizzed into city limits. It promptly collided with an area business before knocking out most city services in the surrounding region for a healthy portion of the day.

Simpson University witnessed a violent crime on Tuesday, April 13, 2010 with the death of local agitator, Elizabeth Cifu. The parking lot commonly referred to as "Egypt" laid claim to this brutal attack when an anonymous sprinting stranger shot the victim, yelling obscenities and references to Communism, an ironic death given Cifu's love of both obscenities and the Soviet Union.

All of us have been waiting for that perfect game, the one with absolutely flawless presentation, addicting gameplay and a story that would impress J.R.R. Tolkien. Finally, after years of waiting, here it is. When I heard that Astragon had made a game called Forklift Truck Simulator 2009, I didn't believe it at first.

I have recently been exposed to the seemingly unfortunate world of limitations, as I have observed opinions being mercilessly dissected and creativity muffled. Ingenuity, of course, is no excuse for vulgar topics such as [expletive] or [expletive]. While my immediate reaction to this most tragic of circumstances was anger complemented by resentment, I have further analyzed the backbone to the counterpart's argument and realized the nonsensical values to which I have directed my attention.